AKA: The Gordon Ramsey of Rap.
Titles: Sir, MBE, Dr (received an honory PHD in *NYSNC studies from Shoreditch High Skool), Professor, Dame and Prince (co-orinated in '74; year of the Rudebox)
Born: On the 4th of July in Casino Royale (Monaco), either in 1442 or 1984 - there is evidence to support both.
Mother: Unknown but some historians have traced his family tree back to Ron Burgandy.
Favourite Tube Station: Canada Water, its clean and has a good number of emergency exits. There is no water though.
Father: Again, unknown. Tom from Myspace thinks there is a fair-good chance it is Maddox Jolie Pitty.
Confirmed Family Members: Penelope Hoxton, Alfie Allen, Picasso, Disco, Brooklyn Beckham, Dickie Van Horton, ACDC, Willie Mason, Willie Fogg and Willie Thorne and The Pet Shop Boys.
Ex-Wife: Ophelia Hoxton, she left him because he kept calling her Robbie whilst ordering her to 'do the Rudebox'.
Arch Enemies: The Archie Bronson Outfit, Akon (apart the India.aire and Gwen songs), Eminem (post 2003), A Arctic Monkeys (so cool they drop the 'The' before their useless asses), Harry Potter (go Drako Malfoy), Bar Kelly (a drinking establishment that has banned R Kelly records), Most of Clapham, FACEBOOK and Hedge funds.
Properties: Albert House near Old Street Tube
The Royal Albert House
Lords Cricket Ground
Folsom Prison
Camp (Craig) David
A flat on Booty Street in Hoxton
Skills: Skinny dipping, Rudebox, tax dodging, croquet, France, pencil sharperning, clapping, google?, Kelly Morris dancing and slam dunking the funk.
Weaknesses: His left arm in the gym, slip fielding, Savage Garden, galaxy chocolate bars and pollen.
Criminal Record: 'Bert spent three years in a Japanese laundry for jaywalking backwards (naked) and calling the King of Japan a mong mong.
Heroes: DJ Tam Tam
Known Albert Quotes
'Don't forget your hair straighteners'
'Cricket is for lovers'
'Bingo!'
'Shiver me timbers'
'Hotel, motel, holiday Inn'
'Life is a rollercoaster'
'60% of the time, it works everytime'
'PIMPing ain't easy, most of it freaks me every night'
Salary: 500 French Francs a minute paid direct into a Welsh bank account.
Favourite Tipple: Ribeena with a slash of squid.
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