Albert Hoxton Exposed

Full Name: Alberto Winthorpe Tryrant Magaret Teri Hatcher Hoxton Senior GQ Esquire Tha Third.

AKA: The Gordon Ramsey of Rap.

Titles: Sir, MBE, Dr (received an honory PHD in *NYSNC studies from Shoreditch High Skool), Professor, Dame and Prince (co-orinated in '74; year of the Rudebox)



Born: On the 4th of July in Casino Royale (Monaco), either in 1442 or 1984 - there is evidence to support both.

Mother: Unknown but some historians have traced his family tree back to Ron Burgandy.

Favourite Tube Station: Canada Water, its clean and has a good number of emergency exits. There is no water though.



Father: Again, unknown. Tom from Myspace thinks there is a fair-good chance it is Maddox Jolie Pitty.

Confirmed Family Members: Penelope Hoxton, Alfie Allen, Picasso, Disco, Brooklyn Beckham, Dickie Van Horton, ACDC, Willie Mason, Willie Fogg and Willie Thorne and The Pet Shop Boys.

Ex-Wife: Ophelia Hoxton, she left him because he kept calling her Robbie whilst ordering her to 'do the Rudebox'.



Arch Enemies: The Archie Bronson Outfit, Akon (apart the India.aire and Gwen songs), Eminem (post 2003), A Arctic Monkeys (so cool they drop the 'The' before their useless asses), Harry Potter (go Drako Malfoy), Bar Kelly (a drinking establishment that has banned R Kelly records), Most of Clapham, FACEBOOK and Hedge funds.

Properties: Albert House near Old Street Tube



The Royal Albert House



Lords Cricket Ground

Folsom Prison

Camp (Craig) David

A flat on Booty Street in Hoxton



Skills: Skinny dipping, Rudebox, tax dodging, croquet, France, pencil sharperning, clapping, google?, Kelly Morris dancing and slam dunking the funk.



Weaknesses: His left arm in the gym, slip fielding, Savage Garden, galaxy chocolate bars and pollen.



Criminal Record: 'Bert spent three years in a Japanese laundry for jaywalking backwards (naked) and calling the King of Japan a mong mong.

Heroes: DJ Tam Tam



Known Albert Quotes

'Don't forget your hair straighteners'

'Cricket is for lovers'

'Bingo!'

'Shiver me timbers'

'Hotel, motel, holiday Inn'

'Life is a rollercoaster'

'60% of the time, it works everytime'

'PIMPing ain't easy, most of it freaks me every night'

Salary: 500 French Francs a minute paid direct into a Welsh bank account.

Favourite Tipple: Ribeena with a slash of squid.

Black Eyed Alanis

The internet is going crazy for this video of Alanis covering 'My Humps' or as Catriona calls it, 'The Camel Song'.

Its both funny and adorable in a scary way. Loads of other blogs are posting it but I am the only person in love with Alanis enough to rip the MP3 (as far as I can't be bothered to check).

Here: Alanis Morissette - My Humps

Here is the Youtube video that is rather grand (I watched a film about the IRA last night)



I could literally fill the internet with expressions of my glorious love for Alanis but I will save you all.

Albert's Best Lyricists

Alanis Morissette
The Notorious B.I.G
Jay-Z
The Black Eyed Peas (not really)

Alanis' best album is not actually Jagged Little Pill

Funbongo Top 3 Alanis Albums

Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie

MTV Unplugged

Jagged Little Pill Acoustic

Filthy Few Ft DJ Funbongo Live

Come and see if I can sneak some Jossy Stone and Bert Williams into my set.

I will play Lovelight, even if Filthy Few Firas tries to head-butt me again. Some people seemed to think he was trying to kiss me last time. To avoid his violent advances I will hide behind Albert's Malfoy Drako (From Harry Potter of course) Cloak.

Christian K is DJing with us.

Probably some bands too. No Girls Aloud or Fall Out Boy Sadly :(

Ronson Vs Kylie 'Slow Wee'

Albert found this under his bed.

Kylie Minogue Vs Mark Ronson - Slow Wee



The coolest Beyonce video off the Re-release of B-Day. The best R&B video we have seen for a long time.

Get Me Bodied (gets interesting from 3:39)

Robyn LIVE Konichiwa Jade!

Another week and another Swedish chick was in town to impress FunBongo and Albert Hoxton. Once again, we were joined by Disco .

Robyn - Konichiwa Bitches



Robyn - Cobrastyle

Disco said 'Sack the stylist'
Funbongo said' Not as good as The Sounds last week but better than the new Cardio Wave machine in the gym'
Albert said 'Where was Batman?'



Robyn - Jack You Off

Here is some of what it says about Robyn on www.robyn.com

'...(Robyn is) The most killingest pop star on the planet. A pint-sized atom bomb dosed to the tits on electric and dispensing wisdom in three-minute modernist pop bulletins on the post-adolescent condition...'

Robyn - Be Mine



We liked Robyn, she showed some good hustle.

The brilliantly titled album (Robyn, what a genius) is out on Monday. The cheapest place to buy it will be eMusic if you are a member. She is no longer signed to Sony and has started her own record label (Konichiwa Bitches), predicting that the major Record Labels will be out of business in 3 years. Mmmmm

Robyn - List Of Demands (Live)

LCD Soundsystem LIVE!

While Firas was gettin' down with the Fire shoppers Albert took me across town to something quite different. Mayor Albert told me that we were going to see a fat, ugly American man who shouts a lot; I thought he meant Meatloaf. Imagine my surprise. Imagine Albert's surprise when it wasn't The Gossip (they are ok really).



Playing to a packed house James Murphy and Co did not disappoint. I wasn't a fan before but I am now.

He sounds like that thing off Sesame Street on this song

New York I Love You But Your Bringing Me Down



North American Scum

Watch The Tapes



This is a short post because I am feeling very EMO tonight, bye bye for now.

Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around (Junkie XL Mix)